Archive for November, 2008

Aftermath?…Numb

Posted in Boyfriend, Relationship with tags on November 14, 2008 by talesandtallies

“I don’t know, Are we?”, I replied.

He called back almost immediately as if he had been waiting for some sort of signal. He expressed his bitterness about I cutting off all communication from him when he needed me the most. I complained about the sudden silence and being unable to reach him. I complained about leaving him messages that were never returned. I complained about the loss of contact and how I regretted missing his calls. It seemed like he wasn’t ready to have any of that.

After a few minutes of arguing with him, I just blurted it out. “If you are so unhappy with me, or you don’t see how much effort I am putting into this as well… then for what it’s worth, why are you still with me?”

“Are you saying you don’t want us to see each other again?”, he said after a moment of silence.

“I don’t know, you were the one that wanted to break up with me” I admitted in a disgusted tone of voice. He sent that text, didin’t he?I never thought we would have any issues that would warrant such a message. But he cut me short before I could drive home my point.

” I never looked at the semi-nude pictures you sent me because I was waiting to appreciate you in person. I only mentioned it to hear your opinion, not for you to oblige. I went to see my mother over the weekend which is why you couldn’t reach me for a while. I had a minor accident on my way back, but it was just a few bruises. I also met with one of your ex’s at my mother’s. Apparently, his mother and mine used to be colleagues.”

He paused for a bit and continued. “You just sound different, like you’re ready for something else. I will always love you though.”

Phone went dead, before I could utter anything meaningful. He probably didn’t want me defending myself. Given the chance, I’m not sure I would have.

It was sad; what he made mention of tugged at my heart.I however did not cry, go hysterical or react in an overly emotional way after he hung up. I was still numb.

Our anniversary is only a couple of days away; this simply confirms the jinx that I can never be in a relationship for more than six months.

Walk the Line

Posted in Boyfriend, Reflections, Relationship with tags , on November 12, 2008 by talesandtallies

I found something decent to wear, it was about 4.30 but the darkness still hung in the sky. I walked out into this cold, cold night. It was quiet, the whole school had gone asleep!Heck, I thought the whole world was asleep except mine; It was facing a nightmare of its own. The  Street lights were on,  but I preferred walking on the dimly lit side walks. My head tilted down, phone in hand with ear piece connected. Set it to flight mode and began listening to the music.

I reached a junction with two turns, one was pitch dark and the other a straight road with lights shining brightly. I observed my shadow in this light. There were three. For the first time I reckoned they accompanied me from my dorm. I agreed with myself that I needed to see a doctor; I must be crazy to have a soliloquy with my own shadows. I didn’t notice the guard walk in my direction; his voice startled me.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Yeah”, I said.

He had been observing me from a distance all the while; “You were talking to yourself just now”.

“No, no… I was just singing and I paused to change the track” I lied. I had been thinking out loud about seeing the doctor, I hope he didn’t hear it. But if he did, he could quickly convince himself that he was simply reading my thoughts or he never saw me this night.

I thanked him and walked away quickly in the other direction. I felt him staring at me in disbelief under the lights and with an aura of fear, I hastened my steps.I stole a few glances over my shoulder until he turned around to walk back; then I slowed down to catch my breath. I continued to walk in the middle of this road blinded by the night, afraid to fall but wouldn’t let myself stop.

All the feelings I witnessed on this walk were synonymous with my relationship. It was the longest walk of my life but I sought solace in thinking the end was near. Just like I thought B would be here soon as he promised the last time we spoke, adding how much he loved me. My doubts rested on how often I believed in the word soon and it never came through because he still wasn’t here.  I really could have gone the easy way with a making a commitment to either of Tom, Dick and Harry, each in close proximity. But I didn’t.  Instead, I chose to walk the line.

B’s text came in shortly as I switched my phone off flight mode. This line read; “Are we over already?”.

B for Bezerk!

Posted in Uncategorized on November 9, 2008 by talesandtallies

I had a completely unnerving weekend after being unable to reach B. A myriad of feelings had me in bounds, mostly resulting from the guilt of my previous actions. I was more mad at myself than I was at him for not calling. I took a brief second to understand why I did this and had to admit it was not my finest hour. He never pushed me to do it,I pushed myself to be this star girlfriend. I felt like I needed to disappear from myself, I couldn’t live with this feeling.

There so many parties that were hosted this weekend and I found no incentive to attend, even as a means for me to unwind. I lay on my pillow and basked in my thoughts. If this was the end for us, I had to brace myself for it. Sooner had I let my thoughts drift than I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to turn off my room lights and lock the door. My phone fell to the ground. That’s when I remembered how I fell asleep.I started fumbling to put it back together curios to see if B had called. He had, seven times. I could literally have beat myself up at this point for sleeping so heavily. It was frustrating to know that the call I had waited for all weekend came in seven times!And I couldn’t even call back because my credit account was totally debased with all the messages I left on his voicemail. I reached for my laptop quickly typing in my password when I saw 41 messages in my inbox.

The number 40 became a fast favorite in the preceding hours, associating all I could with it. What kind of woman I would be at 40 years of age, If he would call in the next 40 minutes or even 40 more minutes after that. Or maybe he would call after I played our song 40 times, because he had heard me cry my heart out with that music. I counted backwards from 40 too. If there was anything I was sure of then, it was the fact that I had waited the previous night in vain. But this morning, it was 41… and a smile briefly lit my face. I proceeded to open my messages hurriedly as if I was in a crunch for time. With my heart in my throat, I certainly thought the internet connection was crippling.

I closed all the damn windows that were open and all other applications running just to see if the page could load any faster. My fingers were trembling so loud they made their own music on the keyboard. The air conditioner was working properly, but my body was still working up an uneasy sweat. In this moment, I cursed all the makers of browsers. The page finally loaded. I looked up to the last message received and it was my daily horoscope subscription. I was in no mood for astrology, my mind reacted with almost an instant misology. I couldn’t have been any more bezerk!

*misology: hatred of ideas, logic
*astrology:claiming divination by the positions of the planets and sun and moon

T & T

xoxo

Call me stupid… & then don’t call

Posted in Boyfriend with tags , on November 6, 2008 by talesandtallies

[Thank you for all the comments on the previous post convincing me to stay. I must say I am truly appreciative of all the love I have received here.]

Now onto something less thrilling

Call me stupid…

B & I have had a lot of racy conversations in our so-called-relationship. On this particular night, we were conversing about something totally random when the issue of me sending him personal pictures of myself ensued. I was a bit, a lot reluctant actually and silently questioned his motives. He didn’t push and just asked me to think about it.

So a few weeks later, after particularly feeling elated by something good he did, something I will now consider stupid I did. Yes I did what you think I did.

…& then don’t call

He hasn’t called since then.

Just wondering if he ran out of luck, money or love. Or maybe that’s me looking at myself in the rear view mirror.

Let me clarify what I meant by personal pictures.

**personal pictures: semi-nude, almost bare. generally, pictures of you with considerably less clothing!

T&T

xoxo

The show must go on

Posted in Uncategorized on November 5, 2008 by talesandtallies

My fear of being discovered has outshone my bravery. I think someone has figured me out already. I came across a blog that I felt was being addressed to me.  Maybe I need to go away and come back as another person or never come back at all. All my previous posts are private until I figure out the best way to tackle this. It might just be an itchy conscience, but things like this are not taking for granted.

I promise you I’m never truly gone because the show must go on.

Yet another political post

Posted in Miscellenaous with tags on November 4, 2008 by talesandtallies

Let me just get to the point by saying I don’t know nothing about politics or American politics for that matter… zero, nada, zilcht!

That said, I am the only person I know who does not have an opinion about the current elections. Call it nonchalance, ignorance or whatever[insert all the hate words here, if you must]. It would be cool to have a black person for president though, he would look good on the postage stamp and leave you tear-jerking after every speech. On the other hand, having an aged president is not so bad, he may probably die before his term runs out and is guaranteed to never have a second term. Both will be firsts and memorable for the white house anyhow.

Whoever wins definitely has his work cut out for him. What if who you think will win doesn’t?Results are delayed?One thing leading to another they need a re-election?The votes for both candidates are equal?The suspense is just killing you, Isn’t it?:)

**Disclaimer: Whatever impressions you might have formed from this post are entirely the intentions of the author.

T&T

xoxo

Halloween Scare

Posted in Boyfriend with tags , on November 1, 2008 by talesandtallies

I decided to decline all invitations to Halloween parties this year.[There were none]

This morning, there were bumps all over me.  Mentioned it to B and he agreed to having a part in it. It was his Halloween gift to me. He better be joking; Voodoo is more like it.

Lesson Learned: Next year, I’d rather be out raiding and parading Morticia Adams’ closet than getting upset by my imaginary boyfriend whose proving to be the subject of my nightmare[Interpreted as I upset him last night, karma came to bite me with those bumps].

How did you spend your halloween?

T&T

xoxo